Teeth

A while back, probably about a year ago, Tuschka told me about this movie Teeth. She said she thought it would be up my alley. A girl with vagina dentata…or in ‘normal speak’, she’s got teeth in her vagina.

There’s a whole bunch of myths regarding the toothy who-ha. You can read a little here.

So, I rented Teeth. HOLY COW!!! I knew it was going to be different, but in some ways, it blew past my expectations.

**I’m going to spoil the movie, so if you have any desire to see this movie, and don’t want to have any forewarning, then don’t read this.**

The movie begins with two kids in a blow up kiddy pool, the parents are in lawn chairs, all lovey-dovey. The boy, Brad, is splashing his step sister, Dawn. Dad yells at Brad to stop splashing, Brad tells his Dad off, but stops. Then you see him looking at Dawn and he says “I’m showing you mine, now you show me yours”. They pan back to the parents, and you hear a scream and Brad holds up a bloody finger, with the tip nearly bitten off.

Fast forward 10 years, and Dawn is now a part of an abstinence group. She gives speeches and encourages others to stay pure until marriage, and is the abstinence teen queen. Her two dating BFF’s are in the group, and at a meeting, she spies a cute guy, Toby, and he’s new to school. Toby and Dawn start hanging out, and Dawn really likes Toby, and even has some impure thoughts about him (GASP!).

Eventually Dawn and Toby go to this little pond to swim….there’s some kissy face stuff going on, Toby does a little touchy-feely with the boobs. Dawn pushes him away and reminds about purity, blah, blah, blah. She swims to a little covered cave like area, and climbs up onto the cave floor out of the water. Toby comes up to…eventually they are kissy face again. She stops him and says that they should go home. Before they get back in the water, Toby kisses her again, gets a little touchy feely with the boobs again. Dawn struggles, but gets pinned underneath him. He is primed for raping her, and once he gets in her, he starts screaming, and she’s screaming some more. Toby sits up and you see all this blood and a severed stump where his penis should be….and about 2 feet away from him is a couple inches if his penis. YELLING SCREAMING…SCREAMING YELLING… Toby tells Dawn to stay away from him and jumps back into the lake. Dawn is just sitting there dazed, confused, traumatized.

Toby is MIA from school, and Dawn is questioning if she can stay in the abstinence group because of the attack. She goes back to the pond, and in the cave she sees the bloody penis stump and a crab is crawling all over it. She runs home again. While she’s walking one of the guys from school, who gives the impression of being a quiet grungy type, offers to give her a ride home. He asks her out, and gives her his card. She made a comment about that being funny, and gets out of the car.

She thinks something is wrong with her ‘down there’ and searches on the internet about what could be wrong with her. She reads about vagina dentata, and looks mortified. She goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor asks her some prelim questions, and starts the examination. You see him slide off his gloves as he starts the internal exam. Dawn begins to struggle, saying that is hurts, the doctor makes some chestery comments. Then he starts SCREAMING and Dawn starts SCREAMING. Dawn is moving about on the table and the doctor is literally attached to her. More yelling and screaming ensues. Eventually they are free of each other, and the doctor is holding up his fingerless hand, and there are four severed fingers on the floor. Dawn grabs her clothes and runs out of the office.

She’s back at the lake, and you see a search team in the water. They pull up Toby’s body. Dawn flees from the lake. She gets home, wanting to confess to her mom about the rape and her being a murderer, but mom is passed out on the floor (she’s been sick/dying). Behind mom, down the hall, with his door open you see Brad having sex with his girlfriend (Brad makes other appearances and is a general pig, telling Dawn that he know she wants to have sex with him and whatnot). Dawn calls 911, and she wakes up in the hospital, and her step dad tells her to go home and rest.

Dawn is hysterical, still feeling like a murderer, she goes to the quiet grungy guys’ house. She tells him about the vagina dentata, and that she needs to go to the police and confess. He calms her down, a bit, tells her to take a bath. He gives her some mellow pills, that she willingly takes. She comes out of the tub all hazy and tells him that they have to go to the police….he tells her to lay down, and that she’s in no shape to talk to the police. They get a little frisky, and she tells him to not have sex with her because of the teeth, and that she needs a hero, a conqueror, the QGG tells her he is her hero and conqueror. They have sex, she enjoys, and he still has his penis. Later she gets dressed and says she has to go to the police now, he pulls out his little finger vibrator, and they start to have sex again. QGG’s cell rings, and he answers, Dawn looks a little put off, and he tells her to say hi to the friend on the phone. He tells her that there was a bet that he couldn't’t bed her, Dawn gets mad…and CHOMP…there goes QGG’s penis. Queue the squirting blood from the crotch and severed penis.

Dawn goes to the hospital, and you find out that the mom has died. Brad’s girlfriend is at the hospital, and apologizes for not calling for help, and that Brad said the mom does that all the time and not to worry about it. Dawn goes home, gussies herself up, and approaches Brad. He tells her, that he has been waiting for this for a long time, and that he is going to rock her world. They start having sex, and Dawn is looking at him, somewhat unresponsive…and you see Brad shaking. He gets off of her, and you see the bloody mess. She gets out of bed…and you see her standing there….and then DROP!! Falls out Brad’s pierced penis from her vagina. Brad’s dog then takes the penis and chews on it a bit.

Dawn leaves the house. And you see her hitch hiking. A car pulls over, picks her up. Time elapses, and it’s now night, and the car pulls into a gas station. Dawn tries to get out of the car, but the old, old, old man that picked her up starts to wag his tongue at her. She looks panicked at first, then she calm. She looks in to the camera with a smirk.

THE END.

Um…..WOW!!

I figured there’d be some penis hankering going down, but was not expecting the visuals…seeing that most movies don’t really show the penis. (Let’s face it…women can show themselves in all their glory, but one little penis, hell even seeing a guys pubic hair, and everyone is all “Ohhhhhh a penis!!!”) I figured if there was any hungry hungry hippo action going on, there’s be screaming and crotch grabbing with blood there. But the seeing the severed stumps…that was not expected at all. And the doctor with the lost digits…that scene was actually funny…along with Brad’s Prince Alberted penis falling out of Dawn’s crotch, the dog chewing on it was just icing on the cake.

This movie would be fabulous for the man hater, or for an upcoming anti-Valentine's Day event.

Watch it. Grab a bowl of popcorn and embrace the weird, the bizarre, and your penis (if you have one).

Rock out, with teeth.

Peanut Butter Pudding Surprise

The other night, the last song I hear before crashing (I'm one of those need music to fall asleep people, the calmer the music the better), was My Morning Jacket's Highly Suspicious.

For the most part MMJ is mellow-ish, this song doesn't really fit the feel for the Evil Urges album, and when I first heard it, I was all "W-T-F???". I LOVED IT!! For some reason it made me think of Labyrinth and the head throwers.

Anyways, back to the point.

I drifted off to Highly Suspicious, and then proceeded to have a bizarre dream. SURPRISE!! (Sometimes, I'm really amazed at how my environment easily influences my dreams).

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding with like 7 other bridesmaids standing up, and it was in a big fancy church. I didn't know the bride well, like she was a sister of a friend or something, but I was asked to stand up because she was have bridal party issues and what not and knew that I would pull in the reigns and make sure everything would be in order. Like a mini Hitler (HI HITLER!!!!). The bride's brother was causing a ruckus because he didn't like the groom, and was trying to 'break in to' the bridal suite to convince the bride she was making a big mistake. I went out to talk to him, and I was being towered over by not one brother, but three, and they were all MASSIVE. I got into a yelling match with them about supporting their sister, doing the right thing, don't be assholes, etc. I was all feisty and uber bitch, and I liked it. The guys eventually retreated. I looked around in the church and it was filling up, and I was thinking that even though I didn't know anyone, I was going to have a fun time at this wedding. As I was walking back to get to the bridal suite, I looked down the aisle at the stained glass door. The door opened, and this dark gray floating thing rushed in with a gust of wind, and blew right through me. When I looked around at to see if anyone else saw it, I noticed that some people weren't looking normal anymore. And I saw the groom, half his face was decayed off. Nice. I hall ass into the bridal suite. The other bridesmaids are looking stunned, the bride is hysterical. I asked what the hell had happened, and the bride said that she was so desperate to get married that she performed and incantation to create her dream spouse. Little did she know it was going to be dead people that would come back to life. She felt guilty and decided to put it right and said another incantation. Hence the gust of wind and the gray stuff....it was some spirity stuff.

I don't know what happened after that because I woke up, and was all WTF?!?!?!?! I'm blaming it on the song, and that crazy maniacal laughter. That part is really not kosher, and is nightmare worth all on it's own. But the rest of the song, and it's odd lyrics I like. I just have to try to not fall asleep to it again.

Rock out, incanting.

Things just got immensely better.

It's been a while, I know. I've been just feeling rather blah lately, and a little on the grumpy gus side of things. Work has been a little crazy, leaving me last week feeling like a total idiot and incompetent of anything. I hate the training processes and not knowing things and being confident. Then there was my dad's birthday where he really aggravated me with his whole attention seeker behaviors, one of his many things I can't stand about him (and his mother has it too...whom I also can't stand. And people say my father and I don't get along because we are too alike. If I turn out like him or his mother, then I'm going to kill myself....and that sounds like Oma!!). I think the post holiday mood was just exceptionally brutal.

Plus there was really now excitement going on here. Working from home is a killer when you have no interactions with coworkers like KIA or Tourettes. However I heard through the grapevine that KIA has a new purple sweater that she wore 2 or 3 times in one week. I only wish I could have been there to witness it. That's still some great shit. Disgusting, but great.

This week was another drab week. Better on the work side, but no real excitement. Unless you count my baking cookies yesterday as a highlight. Pro about working from home, I can bake during the day. Con about working from home, I can't take it into the office and share. What am I going to do with 5 dozen cookies?? Possibly eat them all by myself.

Something else exciting for this week. I decided to join 2005 and sign up for the Blockbuster to have must seen movies come to my home,since I don't like to actually go out and get movies to rent. First movie, you ask, that I got and viewed??? How to Be. Movie was a little weird, and I like weird/quirky films...but this was kinda flat weird. I think the perks are in the preview, but when you see the whole thing, not as good as I was hoping. Mr. Pattinson was a pleasure of course. How could he not be?? Next up on the Blockbuster list- Blood Ties. Apparently Lifetime (Television for Women) had a vampy TV series out that I didn't know about. I have 2 seasons to catch up on. And the big vampy dude is rather easy on the eyes.

Then I saw something today that made all the drab and blah feelings melt away. Finally a little light on the horizon of poop.....

Guess what's being released on March 20th?????

Now my dilemma. Do I pre-order from the crack dealer and hope that I get the movie early like last year? (It's not available for pre-order yet though) Or do I go to the store that has a 3 disc option?? If there is one? Luckily I have time.

Ahhh....I think today is going to be a good day.

Rock out, new moon.

Hitler's Birthday!

Today marks the glorious day of Hitler's birth. Bitch tried to say that she's turning 22 today!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She may look all happy and nice in the picture, but pictures are deceiving. This is still the same person that poured nail polish remover in my eye when I was a toddler....the same person that chucked a frozen ashtray at my head, impaling me (I still have the scar)...the same person that said I would die when I had surgery...the same person that became belligerent when I finished the orange while she was sleepy and didn't save any for her...the same person who performed a vomit sprinkler through her jacket and then got pissed when I washed it for her, not knowing it was dry clean only...this is the same person that said I couldn't put the Christmas tree together, which then lead me to a bout of pyromania, setting a garbage can on fire, that burned my toes and fingers (I still have scars)...this is the same person who I punched in the eye, when she cheated me on a shot gun ride to Oma's house.

Happy 33, Hitler!!!

Rock out with your birthday cock out!!!!

Ringing in the New Year

I don’t know about you, but my New Year totally ROCKED!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I was perfectly content in staying home (alone) and finishing Pride and Prejudice. I don’t make resolutions, but this time I made and Year End Resolution…FINISH P&P!!! Which didn’t happen…SURPRISE! Instead on NYE, I got a call from dad, he didn’t like that I was a home alone for the evening and wanted me to come to over. He and mom were making finger foods for dinner, and he was acting like it was some sort of novel concept, finger foods….for dinner!! OMG!! So , I said I’d come over. Mom was in bed by 9, dad crashed on the couch (watching the Barrett Jackson auction) by 930…HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I’m glad I didn’t stay home, I would have missed some high end excitement. By 10, and reading P&P for 30 minutes, I was ready for bed. I texted the college peeps with a happy new year and my early retirement. Got some gruff back.

Life sucks when you are old and boring.

But that's not even my most pathetic New Year's of my adult life. The second New Year's in AZ, Hitler and I were cohabitating in our apartment, we both worked during the day, just went out to dinner, and came home to ring in 2003...we both had fallen asleep watching TV. I remember waking up around 1230/1ish and saying "Hitler, Happy New Year, I'm going to bed". She was all "but it's not midnight yet". I had to tell her we had been sleeping for the last 2 hours or so, missed midnight, Happy New Year and good night. Stellar, stellar New Years.

New year’s day was another load of excitement. Ava’s parents had a brunch thing at their place. Bobo decided to be monkey boy and climb their orange tree for some harvesting.

Little Boo wanted to help a bit too.

After lunch Hitler and I went to Ikea. I haven’t been in YEARS and had this hankering to go. At Ikea, there’s always an interesting mix of people. As we walked by this one couple, the wife was doused in some heavy and stinky perfume. I was deep in thought about the stink, when Hitler asked me a question…I replied with “I know I can smell it!” To which Hitler said “YOU CAN SMELL HER BOOBS????” Wait, what??? I said not boobs, perfume!!! Then I looked at the smelly lady…she was rail skinny, walking hunched over her cart, and she had the Tori Spelling type boob job and some bad bleach blonde with black roots Tina Turner hair (which really only looks good on Tina). I start to sing "she works hard for the money" (ala Agador). Hitler's said "It's Tina hair, not Donna Sommer!!" (First, let me just say how impressed I was that she knew I was singing Donna Sommer, especially after hearing she wanted Rump Shaker for her new MP3 player but had to pay the 99cents for it on Rhapsody and decided against it.) I said, I that I was thinking she looked kinda like a cheap hooker, hence the singing, which I had stuck in my head for a very, very long time. And as Murphy's Law mandates, we bumped into Tori/Tina/Cheap Ho a million times, around every corner. Every time I saw her, I started singing. On the drive home, Hitler kept laughing and saying "YOU CAN SMELL HER BOOBS!!!!!!!"

Sisterly joys.

Rock out, cock out.