Look at me- I’m reading my SECOND Big Girl Book in 1 week. Before you know it, I’ll leave the world of teeny-boppers far, far behind me.
The Girls From Ames, is a nonfiction (you’re shocked- not only did I go Big Girl, but I went nonfiction…and that hardly ever happens!) gem that follow the friendship of 11 women. These women all grew up together in Ames, IA and formed their own little clique. Some of the women have been friends since birth, other’s meet in grade school, but the group was fully formed by the time they were in the 9th grade. The book follows each woman from childhood into adulthood, how the friendship impacted each woman, and how the relationships have grown and changed in 40 years. We have life, death, birth, accomplishments, failures, marriage, divorce- LIFE- and the constant is this friendship.
What this book discusses, beyond the autobiography of the 11 women, is how important close relationships are for women. Having a close friendship for women could be equally as important as a marital relationship, which is usually portrayed and the number one definitive relationship for both men and women (with being a parent being your second definitive roll in life) Now, this is something I have known for a long, long time, and I tend to be all preachy about: definitive relationships.
Where’s my soapbox?? Oh, look, here it is…..
Society says in order to have a complete life one should be married (or in a long-term committed relationship, but having that paper is better)…and then have kids. If you don’t have both, your life is lacking in some way. It’s not a full life.
I say bullshit.
There’s more to life than being somebody’s wife and someone’s mother. And the role of wife and mother shouldn’t be what defines you as a person. They are aspects of who you are.
Read
Sula, by Toni Morrison. This book challenges the concept of defining relationships. Ellen and Sula are best friends. They grow up together, cause trouble together, and are always together. Ellen gets married, because that’s what you’re supposed to do, and Sula leaves town shortly after the wedding. Years later Sula returns, Ellen is married and has a couple of kids. Sula sleeps with Ellen’s husband (great best friend, I know), and the hubby walks out on Ellen. Now Ellen is left alone to raise her kids, she ends her relationship with Sula, and is miserable. Eventually Ellen’s kids grow up and leave her too; Sula is still there, trying to get back the friendship that she lost. Sula gets very sick, and Ellen takes care of her. Ellen tells her that she does not forgive her, does not like her, but is only taking care of her because she has no one else to do it. Ellen asks Sula why she slept with her husband, and Sula said that he was going to leave Ellen eventually so she decided to help speed up the process. There is a mutual respect the is reestablished as Ellen cares for Sula, and Sula dies. Ellen feels all alone again. Ellen decided to go to the nursing home where Sula’s grandmother is at (who’s very old and mean). She keeps calling Ellen Sula. Ellen tells her that she’s not Sula, but Sula’s childhood friend. The grandmother tells her “I know who you are, but you and Sula are the same person, it doesn’t matter that you aren’t Sula.” Ellen goes to the cemetery, where Sula is buried. She is now overwhelmed by grief and says to Sula, “it’s you, it’s always been you.” THE END.
You might be thinking WTF??
This book was an “A-ha” moment for me. Ellen realized that her most important relationship in her life was not with her husband or her children like she thought it was supposed to be, but the relationship with Sula was. Sula was, for all intents and purposes, her “one”. If you want to go along with the theory of there being “the one”.
What made this so “a-ha” for me, is that I have never been the type to run out and get a boyfriend, when most of my other friends were preoccupied with it…or totally ditch their friends once they had a guy, only to come runny back once the relationship ended. I was always content with my close friendships, and I still am. I think maintaining my relationships with my close friends (guys/girls alike) has been very fulfilling. Sula made me realize that “my one” is not going to be with a spouse or as a parent- but with my collective friendships. This will be my defining relationship, maybe one friendship will be more defining than others, but at this stage in the game, I’m not sure which one it is. But prior to reading Sula, I thought there was something odd with me not having a real importance in finding ‘that special someone”, and the story made me realize is that it’s okay not too. There’s more to life then doing the whole marriage/kids bit. I still don’t feel the need to find that special someone. And I don’t feel my life is lacking in any way, shape or form. Maybe, one day my view point will change, but I’m kosher with how everything is.
I should probably hop off my box before I get into a feminist rant…
Back to The Girls From Ames…this book hits on that topic. That the close relationship between women is just as important as the spousal/parental relationships. Its significance encompasses a different aspect of one’s life…one that shouldn’t be underrated.
Read it…and have some Kleenex, you’ll need it.
Rock out- with your girlies (or boys)!!
