Teeth

A while back, probably about a year ago, Tuschka told me about this movie Teeth. She said she thought it would be up my alley. A girl with vagina dentata…or in ‘normal speak’, she’s got teeth in her vagina.

There’s a whole bunch of myths regarding the toothy who-ha. You can read a little here.

So, I rented Teeth. HOLY COW!!! I knew it was going to be different, but in some ways, it blew past my expectations.

**I’m going to spoil the movie, so if you have any desire to see this movie, and don’t want to have any forewarning, then don’t read this.**

The movie begins with two kids in a blow up kiddy pool, the parents are in lawn chairs, all lovey-dovey. The boy, Brad, is splashing his step sister, Dawn. Dad yells at Brad to stop splashing, Brad tells his Dad off, but stops. Then you see him looking at Dawn and he says “I’m showing you mine, now you show me yours”. They pan back to the parents, and you hear a scream and Brad holds up a bloody finger, with the tip nearly bitten off.

Fast forward 10 years, and Dawn is now a part of an abstinence group. She gives speeches and encourages others to stay pure until marriage, and is the abstinence teen queen. Her two dating BFF’s are in the group, and at a meeting, she spies a cute guy, Toby, and he’s new to school. Toby and Dawn start hanging out, and Dawn really likes Toby, and even has some impure thoughts about him (GASP!).

Eventually Dawn and Toby go to this little pond to swim….there’s some kissy face stuff going on, Toby does a little touchy-feely with the boobs. Dawn pushes him away and reminds about purity, blah, blah, blah. She swims to a little covered cave like area, and climbs up onto the cave floor out of the water. Toby comes up to…eventually they are kissy face again. She stops him and says that they should go home. Before they get back in the water, Toby kisses her again, gets a little touchy feely with the boobs again. Dawn struggles, but gets pinned underneath him. He is primed for raping her, and once he gets in her, he starts screaming, and she’s screaming some more. Toby sits up and you see all this blood and a severed stump where his penis should be….and about 2 feet away from him is a couple inches if his penis. YELLING SCREAMING…SCREAMING YELLING… Toby tells Dawn to stay away from him and jumps back into the lake. Dawn is just sitting there dazed, confused, traumatized.

Toby is MIA from school, and Dawn is questioning if she can stay in the abstinence group because of the attack. She goes back to the pond, and in the cave she sees the bloody penis stump and a crab is crawling all over it. She runs home again. While she’s walking one of the guys from school, who gives the impression of being a quiet grungy type, offers to give her a ride home. He asks her out, and gives her his card. She made a comment about that being funny, and gets out of the car.

She thinks something is wrong with her ‘down there’ and searches on the internet about what could be wrong with her. She reads about vagina dentata, and looks mortified. She goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor asks her some prelim questions, and starts the examination. You see him slide off his gloves as he starts the internal exam. Dawn begins to struggle, saying that is hurts, the doctor makes some chestery comments. Then he starts SCREAMING and Dawn starts SCREAMING. Dawn is moving about on the table and the doctor is literally attached to her. More yelling and screaming ensues. Eventually they are free of each other, and the doctor is holding up his fingerless hand, and there are four severed fingers on the floor. Dawn grabs her clothes and runs out of the office.

She’s back at the lake, and you see a search team in the water. They pull up Toby’s body. Dawn flees from the lake. She gets home, wanting to confess to her mom about the rape and her being a murderer, but mom is passed out on the floor (she’s been sick/dying). Behind mom, down the hall, with his door open you see Brad having sex with his girlfriend (Brad makes other appearances and is a general pig, telling Dawn that he know she wants to have sex with him and whatnot). Dawn calls 911, and she wakes up in the hospital, and her step dad tells her to go home and rest.

Dawn is hysterical, still feeling like a murderer, she goes to the quiet grungy guys’ house. She tells him about the vagina dentata, and that she needs to go to the police and confess. He calms her down, a bit, tells her to take a bath. He gives her some mellow pills, that she willingly takes. She comes out of the tub all hazy and tells him that they have to go to the police….he tells her to lay down, and that she’s in no shape to talk to the police. They get a little frisky, and she tells him to not have sex with her because of the teeth, and that she needs a hero, a conqueror, the QGG tells her he is her hero and conqueror. They have sex, she enjoys, and he still has his penis. Later she gets dressed and says she has to go to the police now, he pulls out his little finger vibrator, and they start to have sex again. QGG’s cell rings, and he answers, Dawn looks a little put off, and he tells her to say hi to the friend on the phone. He tells her that there was a bet that he couldn't’t bed her, Dawn gets mad…and CHOMP…there goes QGG’s penis. Queue the squirting blood from the crotch and severed penis.

Dawn goes to the hospital, and you find out that the mom has died. Brad’s girlfriend is at the hospital, and apologizes for not calling for help, and that Brad said the mom does that all the time and not to worry about it. Dawn goes home, gussies herself up, and approaches Brad. He tells her, that he has been waiting for this for a long time, and that he is going to rock her world. They start having sex, and Dawn is looking at him, somewhat unresponsive…and you see Brad shaking. He gets off of her, and you see the bloody mess. She gets out of bed…and you see her standing there….and then DROP!! Falls out Brad’s pierced penis from her vagina. Brad’s dog then takes the penis and chews on it a bit.

Dawn leaves the house. And you see her hitch hiking. A car pulls over, picks her up. Time elapses, and it’s now night, and the car pulls into a gas station. Dawn tries to get out of the car, but the old, old, old man that picked her up starts to wag his tongue at her. She looks panicked at first, then she calm. She looks in to the camera with a smirk.

THE END.

Um…..WOW!!

I figured there’d be some penis hankering going down, but was not expecting the visuals…seeing that most movies don’t really show the penis. (Let’s face it…women can show themselves in all their glory, but one little penis, hell even seeing a guys pubic hair, and everyone is all “Ohhhhhh a penis!!!”) I figured if there was any hungry hungry hippo action going on, there’s be screaming and crotch grabbing with blood there. But the seeing the severed stumps…that was not expected at all. And the doctor with the lost digits…that scene was actually funny…along with Brad’s Prince Alberted penis falling out of Dawn’s crotch, the dog chewing on it was just icing on the cake.

This movie would be fabulous for the man hater, or for an upcoming anti-Valentine's Day event.

Watch it. Grab a bowl of popcorn and embrace the weird, the bizarre, and your penis (if you have one).

Rock out, with teeth.