Self torture, it's really the best kind.

Remember many moons ago, when I actually used to frequent this space and tell odd quirky little stories?? Yeah, me too. Remember me telling you about my love of Zombies?? Well, I did something stupid last night. I'll let you guess what it involves.......

Before I get to the real story at hand, let me digress with a little back story...

I've discovered a while back, a new author. She's self published her books on Amazon for kindle. And we all know how much I love the kindle. It started last August when I plowed through her My Blood Approves Series. Hello...it's about Vampires. I love vampires. (DUH!) She had another series about trolls, and I was on the fence about reading it. I mean, it's trolls...who wants to read about trolls?? I downloaded a sample and discovered, apparently, that I wanted to read about trolls. I read the first 2 books rapidly just before Christmas. Then I had to wait for the third book. I stalked goodreads.com and Amazon..waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Then two weeks ago, the third book was available. I read it... in one sitting. I needed to know what happened and how things ended. I mean, I love me some trolls. Out of her 8 published books and 1 novella- I've read everything. Everything but 1 book. Hollowland.

And this brings us to the tale of torture....

My list of big bad fears, that I have minimal tolerance for, in no particular order: Clowns, Aliens, Zombies, Apocolyptic doom/end of the world topics.

What is Hollowland about?? The end of the world- a rampant spreading virus creating zombie-esque people. Fucking zombies. Two of my 'big bads' in one book. But I like the author, and I really like what I've read so far. I figured, for 99cents, I'll get Hollowland and polish off the rest of her written work. I mean, everything else has been really good, and I really like her, and it couldn't be that bad could it?? The answer. Yes. Yes it could.

Tuesday night, I cozy up on the couch and start reading Hollowland. And the zombies start in right away. Joy. But I push through...How many zombie attacks can the book have?? Not too many right?? Hahahaha...foolish me...I was wrong. About a third of the way into the book, and numerous attacks later, I'm feeling nauseous. I'm nervous, twitchy, and envisioning the end of the world for myself, my home being broken into by zombies wanting to kill me. My imagination goes into overdrive. I contemplate quitting the book. I don't think I can take much more zombie action.

Luckily, Ms M calls me, and I have a chat, and a short break from the book. As we chatted, I clould feel myself calming down.

After the call- what do I do?? I start reading again. Quickly the panic and fear is back. I decided, I'm just going to keep pushing through. I just need a little bit of a happy ending, let the goal of the main character be acheived. Well, the happy ending doesn't really come until three quarters of the way through the book. And by that point in time-the zombie business has stopped (characters are in a quarrantine/safetey zone), so I do what any rational person does- I finish the book. Hoping and praying that in the last quarter of the book there isn't a big zombie attack, and because I don't know if I can handle a second day of reading.

While I relocated from the couch to the bed, to finish the book...I start to hear something that's not in my bedroom. Do I research the sound or assume it's my imagination going crazy again? What doesn't help is that I have my humidifier going (thanks to germy colds), so there's a constant source of white noise. I decide to get out of bed to investigate, with the over active mind thinking about zombies. Luckily it was just the TV that was on...I'm guessing I didn't turn it off, that or it's Poltergeist, but I can't worry about that at the moment. I can only stress about one scare at a time. Zombies or ghosts that possess clowns....it's too much.

So I turn off the TV, go back to bed, around 11/1130 I finish the book and then promptly go to sleep. What a restful night of sleep it was. My dreams where filled with zombies and me trying to escape them. Around 4am I woke up thinking that my alarm was going off, but I was just halucinating. I thought the faint sound of music was maybe my TV again, but there was no TV glow to be seen in the living room. No need for me to get out of bed and risk getting pulled under by a zombie. For a good 30minutes I must have laid there thinking I was hearing music or some inhumane sound coming from various parts of my house or from the outside. I was feeling sick to my stomach again and pissed that I read the damn book.

When I did get up for work, it was awfully dark in the house, with everything closed up. I was moving very cautiously, waiting for a zombie attack. Luckily there was nothing lurking around. I sat at my computer desk, ready to get to work, out of the corner of my eye, out the window, I can see the small palms sway. They scare the bejesus out of me. The whole day, when ever anything moved outside, or people walked by my first thought: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!! Eventually I calmed down. I mean, I know zombies aren't real, and they aren't going to attack me, and if they are, they sure as hell aren't going to be as moving as fast as something of things I saw move about outside.

The book ended with the possiblity of a sequel. No matter how badly I want to know the real final, final end...I'm not going to read it. I can't handle anymore zombie panic. The mental anguish, feeling like I'm going to throw up at any second. OY!!! Kudos to me for being a moron and thinking it wasn't going to be that bad and I could handle it. Hahahahahaha!!!

Rock out, with your self induced tortured cock out....

A letter to my neighbor...

Dear Neighbor-

We've been neighbors for almost 6 years....You quietly living in the condo below mine. And for the most part it's been ideal. This past summer, though, something rather disturbing has happened.

I know that your daughter has fallen on hard times. She's been unemployed for over a year, after losing her business. And she lost her (million dollar) home. Forcing her to move in with you, bringing the darling grandkids along. You home is bursting at the seams, what was once a home for one is now a (temporary) home for four. You plan lengthy vacations to get away from the chaos. Lucky you.

However, I do not get the luxury of escaping. This is my home, I work and live here. I can't just escape like a retired person for months on end. Quite frankly, when you do leave, the noise that erupts from below, in your condo, is very loud. There is fighting, yelling, doors slamming, and my most favorite...SCREECHING.

I've actually been woken up at 145am, on a school night, to screeching and yelling. An argument occurring between your precious, darling granddaughter and your daughter regarding bed time, school, and morning routines. There has been many nights where the screeching is almost constant. Pair this with the constant door slamming, and I start to see red.

I contemplate my options.

Should I talk to you about the noise level? Now, I know I'm not the quietest, and my dog does bark. The difference between my barking dog and your screeching precious 10 year old granddaughter, my dog is instinctual. He reacts to sites and sounds first, before knowing what the cause is...and no matter how hard I try, he doesn't always respond to logical thoughts. Your precious baby, however, can.

Maybe I should call the police about noise level disturbances. And frequently.

My favorite option: PUNCH THE FUCKING KID IN THE FACE!!!

Happy new year!

Kisses-
~L