English, it's her second language.

Ahhhh the Oma. Glorious things tend to occur when I'm with her. Whether it be racial comments, or the fact that I haven't created any self inflicted wounds, or the misuse of words.

Oma likes to mispronounce things. You can tell it's intentional because she's say the word three times. She thinks it's funny and cute, when, really, its annoying as all hell. Sometimes the mispronounce is actually legit. Case in point, the word humping.

My uncle was walking all stiff, and I asked what was wrong. Oma says he's done nothing buy hump for the last three days, he's humping everywhere in the house, he's stiff and he humps. My uncle I just look at each other for a moment, he says he thinks he has heel spurs.

When Oma and I leave the house for the the Saturday romp, she's still talking about the humping and that my uncle should go to the doctor to see what can be done to stop the humping. I told her nicely that the word she wants to use is 'limping' and that humping means something entirely different. (At that moment, I'm praying that she doesn't ask me what). She told me that I was wrong, the word is hump. He humps around the house. I asked if she means 'hobbles" and that he's hobbling around the house. In which hobble/limping would still be better words to use and not humping.

Oma gives me a mean little sideways glance and says "I don't know!! You know English is not my first language, I didn't start learning it until 1952 or 1953!!"

Apparently I hit a nerve.

I guess speaking the language primarily for the last 50 years doesn't mean anything to vocabulary.

After that she changed the topic to politics, her hatred for China and the stupid drunk redneck (aka Georger W), and how she feels bad for the black guy (aka Obama).

Rock out, humping.

Seriously, I should do stand up.

I know, it's been forever again. But we are going to pretend that is hasn't been. It's easier that way.

Tuschka and I were chatting books the other day. Amazon's been like one giant freebie lately with some of the books. I love me some books, I love me some books that are free even more. Even if the book sucks, it's still not bad because it's FREE. There seems to be themes to the free books. We snatched up a bunch of dirty smutty books a while back. And then there were some period pieces- like 1800's or so. Now there's a bunch of Jesus books.

I downloaded a couple of "Christian" lit books, unbeknownst to me that they were all "Lordy Jesus". The first one I read- The Apothecary's Daughter- actually wasn't all that bad. I thought for sure my eyes were going to burn out of my head for partaking in a Jesus book, but it didn't get all God-y until the end when the main character was praying for the health of loved ones and for help in a bad situation. I can deal with that.

After reading Jesus book #1, I had to insure my position in the hand basket, and read some 2 (soon to be 3) book series about a psychic/time rewinder, and then a weird ass, yet stupid, paranormal smut book with a fabulous title: The Ghost Shrink, the Accidental Gigolo, and the Poltergeist Accountant.

Now I'm reading Jesus book #2, A Bride Most Begrudging. Set in colonial America with a fiesty daughter of an Earl and a stubborn tobacco farmer. Now with all there stubbornness and head butting, this would make for great smut. Cold, crass, colonial sex. But since the Lord is involved, it's not going to happen. AND it's not considered "Christian Lit" it's "Inspirational Lit". This is book is very into the Praise Jesus; Lord, God Above; Sweet heavenly Father. I'm going to die.

Yesterday I was giving Tuschka the low down on the new Lordy Jesus. At that point in time it wasn't so bad....then I read a bit more and we were quoting actual scripture. Holy hell. I text Tuschka asap.

Me: they just quoted the bible- complete with scripture. Psalms 9:16
Tuschka: Yikes!
M: Word. If it gets much worse, I might not finish.
T: Poor L!!!!
M: word...........tis a sad sad day. L 11:5
T: hahahahaha.

Now tell me- is that not funny?? Seriously- that is some funny stuff. I kill me. It's like my Mary Magdalene. I'm a genius with the religious joke. I need to do a routine all around that.

Oma would be so proud.

Incase you're curious, there's more bible quoting and reading and commenting of all things Jesus and God. I would quit, but now I'm almost done. Might as well just suck it up and just finish it.

Rock out, with your bible.