The final frontier…

I’m going to the end the year with a front. It’s only fitting. Mainly because I have too much to say and don’t feel like back dating posts or elaborating too much for your entertainment. This is my belated gift to you. And you’re most welcome.

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Mom and New Moon

Took mom to see NM (FINALLY!!!). She like it more than Twilight, which really, is a given. As much as I love the Twilight, the movie is cheesy, and in some scenes painful to watch. The main redeeming quality is the delicious Edward, all sparkly, intense, and brooding. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of him.

Anyways…back to mom and NM. So, mom is fun to take to the movies. She moans and groans loudly with each preview claiming “THIS IS BULLSHIT!!” When the movie starts she usually shouts a “finally”. This time was no different. The movie starts rolling, she complains that Edwards is too pasty and they need to change his make-up. Hello, mom, he’s a vampire, he’s supposed to be pale and dead like. Then there’s some girls sitting up front that start snickering at little parts, mom says she doesn’t get why they are giggling, I try to explain they are 12/13 they giggle at things, mom says they should shut up. When the wolves make their appearance, mom actually starts laughing out loud, saying they look like hairy pigs. I lean over to her and tell A) she’s not very quiet and B) she’s an ass. She quieted down. After the movie she told dad that she was embarrassing me. I said she wasn’t but she talks loudly and criticizes everything. It’s just a little annoying. She does not make for a fun movie partner.

Speaking of NM…

I saw it then the next day with CC. It was a Monday morning and we went to the first show, and we were the only 2 people there. It was nice. When the movie started, I sent a picture to Meanie:

Look at the sparkle!!!!!

and said that I wished she was there. And seeing that work was literally across the street she could have been there in less than 5 minutes, but she opted to work. What a loser.

Speaking of work…

Holy shit are things picking up. I’m actually busy. I’m not used to it, and I don’t know how much I like it. A couple of weeks ago the boss lady and 2 others came out to desert for three days to train me on a new process they want me to do. WOO HOO (and this is what’s keeping me busy, this new bit). We went to this stellar restaurant where I consumed an amazing Riesling that transported me back to Berlin 1999. (Which is the first time I had Riesling, sitting in this old restaurant with Alice (a lady in her 50’s that is extremely awesome, and was fun like us 19-21 year olds, but had some nice mothering components) talking about what was on our agenda for the next day, how much fun was being had, wanting to stay in Berlin for possibly forever…God I want to go back) (I’m actually on the hunt for that wine, I need it like one needs air or Edward.) The training was part work part play. And this time, I didn’t cry!!!! Thank God for small miracles.

DIXIE!!

I took mom to Dixie's Tupperware Party. And the GJ and partner came too!! And yes, this is the second time I've gone.....I knew that GJ was going to eat the show up, fo’ sho! And he did. Mom had a good time too, she laughed a lot. I even placed a little Tupperware order. Seriously people, if Dixie comes to your neck of the woods, see her. You will not be disappointed. Even though the general premise of the show is the same, it’s all interactive with the audience, and that makes each show special.

A memorable Christmas

Anything where GJ is present, I know there’s going to be talk afterwards. This Christmas did not disappoint. HOLY COW!! First GJP’s (GJ’s partner) chair broke. And I, being one to laugh at peoples pain, DIDN’T EVEN LAUGH!! Words cannot tell you how monumentous that is. Also GJ had an earth shattering conversation with Oma…

GJ: Well Oma, as we age, it’s not about sexual positions anymore, it’s about jewelry.

Oma: Well, I never was a sex kitten.

I almost shitted (or is it shat?) my pants right then and there.

I have NO clue how this conversation started, I was getting more cookies. I just walked into the kitchen with GJ’s arm around Oma, and he’s talking to her about sex positions. I didn’t even know that “sex kitten” was in Oma’s vocabulary.

BC42

Last time I fronted, I mentioned how I was reading Pride and Prejudice, well Tuschka said she want to read it with me, so I stopped reading it. We picked December 4th as the new start date. Okay, now I've been reading it for almost a month and I'm still not done!!! WTF!!!! I'm on chapter 38 (don't know what page I'm on because I'm reading it on the Kindle, and the book I have is a compilation of all of Jane Austen books, so I don't have a true indication of how much I've read so far and what's left), all I know is that I looked at the library and found that it's 60 chapters and just shy of 300 pages. It should not take me this long to read a book less than 300 pages. It should not take me this long to read a book less than 300 pages. I don’t know what the problem is, yes the language is a little different, and Jane certainly is wordy. It seems like everything I pick it up to read, I start to fall asleep. I’m not bored with the book, but I just can’t stay awake.

Tushcka’s only like on chapter 12. She totally sucks and is a HUGE slacker.

We decided, next BC42 will be a fun book. Right now, smart thinking books are overrated.

Mom's on Facebook!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!

Music

I haven’t gotten anything new in awhile, but I feel like I should share some of my new music love with you. Expand your horizons (HITLER…I’M TALKING TO YOU!!!!). CD’s that I’ve had for a while and totally loving: Grizzly Bear, Veckatimest; Elbow, Seldom Seen Kid; Gomez, A New Tide and How We Operate; The New Moon Soundtrack (DUH!!!).

Some singles:

One Eskimo, Kandi. Seriously dudes, I’m loving it. Melody Gardot, Our Love is Easy. HOLY COW!!! I love her voice, it’s like velvet. Simply amazing. Rodrigo Y Gabriela, Buster Voodoo. WOW. Swell Season, Low Rising. Even though the song conveys trouble in paradise, the conviction in the voice, very HA CHA CHA.

Peeping Tom!

My blinds broke a couple of years ago, and were stuck at a particular angle that I thought meant I could look out, but not many could look in. Since I’m the Queen Procrastinator, I never felt the urge to get new ones. Until one morning two weeks ago, when I was walking fatty, and I looked up at my place. I had the light on in the entry, and given the angle of the blinds, I could see the entirety of my condo, to the front door. SHIT!! I have looked at my place before, but never when I had lights on. So the bug got up my butt to get new blinds…ASAP… And I did. This past weekend was a mini-renovating weekend. I got the blinds, I painted the repair work from the AC installation, did some cleaning up.

Anyways…now no one can look in unless I want them to…or if I forget to close the blinds.

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I believe that to be the highlights of the past couple of weeks.

May you all have a safe New Year!! I am going to stay home and pray to God that I finish P&P!!!

Rock out, like a sex kitten!

Christmas memories...

Merry Christmas Eve!!! Now, I'm not really a crazed Christmas person, and the older I've gotten the less exciting Christmas usually is for me.

Last year I believe I was home alone on the Eve, and I didn't do any interactions with people on Christmas day until late morning when PPE called me to wish me a merry (this was also the first time that PPE and I have ever actually talked with each other). I spent my morning reading I Love You, Beth Cooper and laughing my ass off.

Anyways....Christmas...not an exciting time.

Last year I shared some good times from Christmas past, and I thought I would share some more.

In high school, one of my glorious retail jobs was working in gift wrap at Marshall Fields. Gift Wrap was a bunch of fun. There was an interesting mix of ladies in GW, from retired school teachers, to ladies just wanting to work a bit because they were bored, to the high schoolers. Seasonal help was always interesting from LBM to this girl named Penny who was missing teeth and had her brother come to pick her up at work and reeked so much of pot, I think I got high from the fumes. Fun, fun times.

The high schoolers, were myself, MK, and KT. We became really good friends while working at Fields, and even kept in touch after we left the job, but life, after awhile, stepped in and we slowly lost contact. MK and I have gone in and out of contact, but after a while KT was totally MIA. Thanks to FB a couple of weeks back....guess who I found!?!?!?! My GW Girls.

Needless to say GW during the holidays was cuh-razy!!!! I said a couple of posts back I could work 40 hrs in 1 week while in school and still get homework done. I don't know how I did it, and I don't know if I really want to do it again.

The GW area was tucked away in a corner of the store, almost like an after thought. We were between the office and the stock room for china. The main wrapping area was what should have been storage, and we had a front greeting area that was all 'pretty' for customers (which where called guests). Along with wrapping, we had to do ship stuff too. And it was back in the shipping area that something happened, that MK and I would always laugh about...

People like to buy/ship fancy stuff. So we have a nice $200+ Waterford set of toasting flutes, we wrap it, then we bubble wrap it, then we peanut a box, plop in the flutes (that will probably never be used), and add more peanuts. Interesting I know!! So we would have bags and boxes of peanuts like 20 ft up, on China's high shelves, unused real estate that they so graciously shared with us. It was a high shipping day, and MK and I spent a good part of our Saturday or Sunday getting the shipping under control, while 5 others (wo)manned the wrapping. We needed more peanuts. I find the biggem ladder (that's like a staircase), and push it over to the big box of peanuts on the shelf. MK's on the ground to catch the box when I drop it. For some reason, this was always a 2 person job, and cumbersome. I climbed up the ladder, and grabbed the box. As I'm positioning and twisting myself to drop the box down to MK, I hear rain falling. I ask MK if she hears the rain too, thinking to myself driving home on ice covered streets is going to be a bitch. As I get out "MK is it raining??", MK is starting to say "L the peanuts are all falling out!!!". The bottom of the box wasn't taped shut and all the styrofoam was falling all on MK.

Styrofoam bits is a bitch to clean up, especially when high static cling is involved. And the amount that had fallen out was about half the box that was at least 5 ft tall probably a 3ft wide. It was a lot of crap to clean up.

To make matters worse the only think we could shovel everything with was one of the baby dust pans. I think we spent half out shift picking up styrofoam peanuts. The whole time MK kept saying "MK??? Is it raining???"

I'm sure you are thinking this is a lame story, but it still makes me laugh. Whenever MK and I would reconnect after a gap of MIA-ness, one of us would alway mention hearing rain.

Another fun GW time between the GW girls was when we decided to make shirts for ourselves. It was just when the "new technology" of printing on iron-on paper at home to make your own iron-on tshirts. And in the flare of CoEd Naked Tshirts, the GW slogan was "Gift Wrap: C'mon baby get in line, we can handle more than one package at a time." I can't remember which one of us came up with that brilliant saying, but it was good!! Weeny was working in Jrs at the time and we made one for her too...but she never really blended in the GW group, just like I really didn't blend in with her Jrs girls.

I can still wrap a mean present, and make some pretty bows. When I get a gift, that's been wrapped, I do a little critiquing in my mind.

Happy wrapping for those who still have presents to finish off...

Rock out with your wrapped cock out!

Happy F-ing Holidays...

Holiday Oma might have been on a hiatus last weekend, but she was in full force this weekend. I seriously can’t deal with it any more. And then there was a little ‘verbal altercation’, an almost accident, and the ‘great sauerkraut road trip 2009, weekend #2’.

First, let me say that when I got to Oma’s, the TV was at 63. SIXTY-FUCKING-THREE!!!! HEARING AID!!!!!! PLEASE GOD!!! All I want for Christmas is for Oma to get a hearing aid.

Where should I start first…altercation, accident, or sauerkraut??? I’m thinking sauerkraut. It’s a mood setter.

Every Christmas, minus maybe like 5, Oma makes sarma, or cabbage rolls for the laymen. The few times she hasn’t she made another sauerkraut dish, Szegediner Gulasch. It’s essentially the sarma but instead of having cabbage leaves rolled, you get the shaved sauerkraut, the meat cooked with the kraut, blah, blah, blah. This year Oma is not making the sarma but the Szegediner Gulasch. Both dishes make me want to vomit. Since we are making the Szegediner, we needed special sauerkraut…the holy grail of sauerkraut. Two weekends ago I took Oma to three stores on the hunt for the holy grail sauerkraut, but she didn’t like the price, the brands, or the look of the kraut. Last weekend we went to two stores by me. Finally, this weekend we went to not one, not two, not even three…but FOUR stores. The final store where the purchase was made…the first store we went to two weeks ago. I was feeling slightly enraged. The holy grail store for all your sauerkraut needs, approved by Oma: Cost Plus World Market. Now I can’t remember the brand, it’s German, and it’s not Gundelsheim… At stores 1-3, Oma kept asking me if the cabbage looked nice, will it taste good, blah, blah, blah. I tell her a million times over “I DON’T LIKE SAUERKRAUT!!!” Seriously it’s like a mixture of ass and vomit….if your ass could vomit, not poop, but actual vomit, that’s what sauerkraut smells and tastes like to me. Oh…and when we got home, what did Oma find deep in some cabinet crevasse?? FUCKING SAUERKRAUT!!!!

I almost killed myself right then and there.

So the Holy Grail store that carried the holy grail of sauerkraut is at a large outdoor shopping area, that at Christmas time is near to impossible to find parking. It’s a zoo…a mad house…a suicide mission. Especially the closer you get to Christmas. I told Oma that I will not be coming back to this location until mid-January, so get what you want now, because I’m not coming back. As we were leaving the parking lot from hell, is when my almost accident occurred. So I’m driving east on the main drag out. There is a car facing East, pulled up to the store-front curb on the westbound traffic side. This old kook decides she’s tired of waiting in front of the store or something and swings out in front of me. Almost clipping the front end of my car. I slam my breaks, honked my horn like 5 times, possibly dropped an f-bomb or 2, Oma was yelling in German (so she didn’t hear the bombs, thank God), and the goddamn fucking old lady FLIPPED ME OFF!!!!!!!!! ME!!!! She was the one that almost caused the accident, and she gave me the finger! Oma said I should “bump her one in the rear good and hard”….the places I could have gone with that, if I wasn’t already seeing red. Also in the back seat after the break slamming, the holy grail of all sauerkraut jostled around and came out of the bag. Oma was all “my kraut, my kraut! I hope the jars aren’t broken! My kraut, my kraut!!” I told her that since I couldn’t smell the vomitous –assy fumes, her kraut was just fine.

Which now leads to my little verbal altercation….Usually every Saturday involves a trip to the library with Oma. This Saturday was no exception. We stopped there prior to the final holy grail sauerkraut store. She picked her slew of books, and I check them out for her, since the library is all self check out now. All the little kiosks were in use, and I was standing off to the side waiting for one to open, and there’s a couple people behind me waiting too. This lady, from a different part of the library, goes up to one kiosk that’s out of service, as she’s walking back to her mother (who looks like she’s about Oma’s age) says something about it being out of service. As she in on her way, a person leaves one of the kiosks and I go up and start checking out. The lady made some snide comment about people not waiting their turn. Obviously directed towards me. I keep my mouth shut, but she keeps yammering on. Then the kiosk next to me open and the following proceeds:

Lady: Well, it’s my turn now to check out, unless someone else wants to cut in front of me and not wait their turn….

Me: Excuse me, ma’am, as much as I try to ignore passive aggressive snide comments, I think you should know there was a line forming over to the right…see those people there…we were there before you walked up. So you would be the one cutting in front of everyone.

Lady: Oh sure, whatever.

Me: Maybe you should check out a book about direct and effective communication. Happy holidays.

And I left. Granted my "happy holidays" was relaying a different tone, I was pissed. Seriously…like I live to cut in line at the fucking library. And what is this????? Fucking grade school?? Seriously. Fucking bitch.

I have a small history of public verbal altercations with strangers, but that’s a different story for a different time. I’m feeling myself boil up a bit. I need to do some inner peace/happy place/vodka finding.

Rock out, with some kraut and effective communication.

Hodgy Podgy

I’ve been meaning to put something up for a while now, but lacking the motivation to actually do so. I suck, I know. You don’t have to tell me. I look at November, and it seems like I attacked it with such gusto and then I just piddled out. I think I told Meanie that December was probably going to suck in the blog department. Hopefully it will be more quality over quantity.

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AVA!!!

I really didn’t think he read the blog, unless Hitler says “Read this, L said something funny”. Which is something, I’m sure, she hardly ever does. She’s hard to amuse and entertain. Anyways…I sit down to dinner Friday night last week (with Oma in toe) and he’s all “I’m snarky?? I don’t think I was being snarky.” I’m all “dude, what the hell you talking about??” and he’s all “the BLOG!!!” and I’m all “OH!”. He said he wanted to leave a “snarky” comment but had to register and stuff, and he’s too important for things like that.

He also gave me shit about putting my Sparkly Edward doll on too. I think deep, deep, deep down he wished he had something sparkly too. I bet he’s secretly read Twilight and is all swoony over Edward.


MY HOUSE IS CLEANSED

I had Oma with me all last weekend. You know what that means… All Catholic Channel all the team…at deafening volumes. I watched/heard 5 masses in 3 days (1 Friday, 2 Saturday, and 2 Sunday). I may not be Catholic, but the powers of Christ washed the sins away from my home. Jaeger was barely a devil dog (normally he starts growling in the Gospel and with the Our Father, I don’t know if he is a hell hound, or if it’s just the volume level that gets him going)…he only grrrrr’d a couple of times.

Oma was actually in a rather pleasant mood all weekend. Which is amazing. I mean, holiday Oma is a force to be reckoned with . It actually makes me slightly suicidal, or homicidal pending on how my buttons are pushed. I think the key to the pleasantness was the multiple Boo visits.

I also just got Oma’s Christmas present, we’ll see how long it takes for her to start slamming it. I got tickets for “In the Mood” a 1940’s type show with big band music, swing dancing. She usually sings praises during and just after a show I take her to, and then a week later says it’s awful and was a waste of my money. I love doing things for her.


Foiled by Hitler!

I was all ready to talk about Hitler’s blue balls…I had a post forming in my mind. I was going to call it “Hitler’s Blue Balls, Revisited”. And what does Hitler decide to do??? NOT HANG UP THE DAMN BLUE BALLS!!! She’s always ruining things lately. WHY???? Fucking hell, Hitler, fucking hell. Ava did say that when he saw the balls in the box he felt that he needed to do something with them, instead of leaving them alone.

I think they should hang in Hitler and Ava’s bedroom.


GLEE!

Meanie and I have been having GLEE! parties. Usually having dinner first, a little drinky drink, watch the show, laugh. It’s a good time. This Wednesday was the last episode until April!! This is going to suck…the hiatus. Fox bastards! For this last show we had a new attendee who has never seen the GLEE! and I really don’t know where he’s been. He’s a coworker from the former job (he needs a nickname). He enjoyed the GLEE! as well.

I made a damn good meal too!! I found this “Plum good chicken” recipe, and I was able to use one of my dozen or so jars of plum jam I’ve made. Seriously YUM, you should make it today. (And I used boobs instead of thighs in the recipe)

Meanie introduced me to the joy of Jeremiah Weed. When she first said the name to me and that I need to try it, before I knew what "it" was, I said "silly Meanie, you know I'm too uptight to do things called Jeremiah Weed!!" However the JW is not pot, it's sweet tea flavored vodka. Now, I love me some vodka. And I happen to love me some JW and lemonade. It has one of those potentials to where I drink, and drink, and drink, and then fall down. I love drinks like that. And I seriously can't remember the last time I fell down. Maybe one day soon it will happen.

Anyways...GLEE!!! If you bitches haven't seen it yet, now is your chance to get caught up in some reruns.


Speaking of needing a nickname…
I was trying to think of a nickname for the coworker friend. He’s super funny, got an odd sense of humor, and is quirky. He kills me.

A long while back, we had lunch together and played Mad-Libs. And being funny/odd/quirky, he came up with some fabulous ones. Please enjoy:

Drive hungrily. The meat wand you save may be your own.

Four out of five rolly pollies recommend gnome tails for their prancing squirrels who fling gum.

Hairless rats, just can’t eat 185.

Is it live or is it granny panties. (one of my favs. I actually had a dream where I was attacked by granny panties, kind of like the Blob).

And the best one!!! Juju Bees, melt in your little bitch mama, not in your jingly balls.

So, I was going to nickname him Little Bitch Mama (because there’s a story were he got mad at a jay walker and wanted to run the ‘little bitch mama’ down). And he’d be LBM for short. I can’t call him LBM. So I need to work on a nickname for him.

Meanie, I might need some assistance.


Speaking of LBM...

INSANE (DUH!!!!), and I can remember being in high school and working almost 40 hours a week at the same time during the holiday madness. I don’t know how I did it, and did well in school.

Anyways, so I was working in GW, and one of the seasonal help, Lucy, was always calling in. It was aggravating. Actually she wasn’t calling in, her mother was calling in for her. She was 20, 21, 22, something like that. What 20-something has her mother call in for her?? I was 17/18 and did my own call ins (not that I ever called in, honestly, I was only really sick 1 time while working there). So the primary excuse for the call was “Lucy has LBM.” I was like “LBM?? What the fuck is that??”. After the third or fourth call in I asked Diane (who I loved, retired civics teacher, very ‘no mess’ attitude and could be a BITCH but never to me) one day, what is this LBM business. Diane said “loose bowel movements”. I replied with “she’s constantly calling in for diarrhea?? She needs to change her diet”. Not to mention, if the LBM is sooo sever, and you can’t pick up the phone to call, maybe you need a doctor.

The girls that I worked with that were my age, were also curious about this LBM business, and I relayed the new found info. Lucy was nicknamed LBM the rest of the holiday season.


Longing

I need to see New Moon again.


Dixie

I’m going to see Dixie tonight. Taking mom. I know it’s going to be HILARIOUS. And this time I will feel a little more blended in, as I’m bringing my favorite gay Jew and his partner. When I saw the show with Hitler in January, and I didn’t have any gay cohorts with me, I felt like I was missing something. Since it’s interactive, and my favorite gay Jew loves to interact, I have the feeling this is will a very fun show.

If Dixie is coming to you, you have to see her. This lady pushes Tupperware like no one else.

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Okay. I'm tapped out. I can't think of anything else.

Rock out, like a little bitch mama.

Ava getting snarky, and some holiday cheer

We implemented a new tradition in the gift giving amongst the siblings three Christmases ago. It was Hitler's idea, and when Hitler speaks, we all bow down and listen. She was decided a couple of years back she's done with gift giving and thinks it should stop....all gifts: birthdays, Christmas mothers/fathers day....anything that requires a gift, she's done. But for most of us, a giftless holiday just seemed weird, so we came up with a compromise...everyone just buy a $50 gift card and we do a grab bag. It was successful, everyone got a little something. The next Christmas we decided to do a repeat and add a $25 restaurant gift card...another success, and it was repeated last year as well.

A funny thing happened in the gift giving ban with Hitler....she spawned and had Mr Boo. Now she wanted to do gifts at least for mother's day because now she was a mom and gifts are warranted. And she graciously added father's day in the mix, because of Ava. Hitler usually thinks of herself first (like the seagulls in Finding Nemo "mine, mine, mine, mineminemineminemine)....then others, so I'm sure that he was an after thought.

Anyways....

This year Hitler wanted to change things up a bit. She decided she wants present now. She discussed with me, prior to Thanksgiving, wanting to do the change. Still grab bag style, $40-60 limit, three suggestions on a sheet of paper and VIOLA. She sprung this up to the siblings on Thanksgiving. My list was easy...gift card to my crack dealer or his slumming cousin (Amazon and B&N) please!!

Yesterday, while I was visiting my crack dealer, I realized that whoever pulled my name could access my wish list from the dealer!! So I sent out a group email...for those not wanting to just get a gift card...go to my list.

This email prompted SIL to ask what everyones favorite color is. Then came Ava's response...

I'd like to say it's whatever color the eyes are of that dreamy, pasty-faced, effeminate vampire from New Moon are, but I'll go with blue, too! What's his name, Lori? Pedro? Filbert? Horatio Hornblower? L, I went to see New Moon by myself too! You're not mad...are you?

He's such a fucker.

Then I replied with....

EDWARD'S eye color fluctuates from deep smoldering onyx to liquid gold topaz...ASSHOLE!!! And I know you didn't see the movie by yourself because you need to take a girl with you to avoid the homo whispers.

Then good ol' Bobo chimes in...

It's OK Ava. I'm totally on board with Team Jacob. I guess
it's the wolfy, doggy-style thing that I'm into (not the receiving
end!) What's your team alliance?

Another Team Jacob...that's the last thing I need.


Ava replied with how he was on the team of getting work done and decided he was going to be an adult not play in our childish games. Blah, blah, blah....

Grab-bagging it (ohhh the dirty thoughts that just went through my head....) really does take the mass gift giving stress off a person. It's a good little system for us, of course, with Hitler at the helm...it has to be. If not, she'd kill us.

And a bigger bonus...this morning I got most of my holiday shopping done thanks to the crack dealer!! Only a few more things to purchase and I'm all set!!! WOO HOO!! And yet another bonus...my Christmas cards are all made, signed, addressed and ready to be delivered once I get some stamps!!

Rock out, peace out.