It's music time

So I bought some new music (Amazon is crack- it will make me poor, I'll lose my home. Fat boy and I will live in a van down by the river if I don't stop shopping!!). The newest CD added to my collection, that I bought on a whim only knowing of a couple of artists, Dark Was the Night. La-la-love it. It's a great compilation.

Noteworthy songs (there's a lot, but I'll try to highlight just a few):

The Nationals, So far around the bend: love the singers deep melodic voice. It's like melting butter, velvet, dreamy. Ha cha cha.

Anthony + Bryce Dessner, I was young when I left home: a Bob Dylan cover- great folk song.

Decemberist, Sleepless: This song is long, and slow, just like I like my men. HA! And again, for me, another Ha Cha Cha voice.

My Brightest Diamond, Feeling Good: Awesome, tremendous cover. A sultry soulful voice. It's a girly Ha cha cha.

Sufjan Stevens, You are the blood: The first 30 seconds, a little weird...but get past it and you have a tune that makes me think of the ending of Breaking Dawn (yes, I'm fully aware of my dorkiness). "You are the blood running through my fingers" and the slow beat- I can picture a slow motion march of the Volturi and their massive guard coming into the field where the Cullens, et al, and the wolves are waiting for them.

And that's just disc one... on to disc two.

Spoon, Well alright: Anyone feel like your are flying back to the early 80's??

Beirut, Mimzan: Quick, where's the circus??

Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings, Inspiration information: When I first heard this song, it made me think instantaneously of the movie Crooklyn by Spike Lee. I can just see the Carmichael family sitting on the front steps with this playing in the background. It's also a Shugg Otis cover.

David Sitek, With a girl like you: Anyone else think of Psychedelic Furs and a slight Pretty in Pink sound??

Stuart Murdoch, Another Saturday: I feel like I should be strolling the hills of Ireland.

Kevin Drew, Love Vs Porn: Do I really need to explain any further?? Who cares what the song sounds like when you've got a title like that.

Okay- there are more songs I could highlight- but these are some top notch songs. It's a great variety/mix...nothing super mainstream, but not so bizarre that it will make you think WTF??

Go to the crack dealer and buy this CD, you'll be happy you did.

Rock out with your (musical) crack out!

Teeny tiny note- Just before posting this I bought FOUR more cd's from my crack dealer. I need rehab.

I don't spucken...

Ahhhhhhh, the Oma. I haven't talked about her in a while. She hasn't done anything remarkably funny lately. She is, however, sick with a nasty cold. We are hacking on everything (because we don't cover our mouth), the deafness has gotten worse, and her attitude is just tremendous.

Here's the nastiest thing of all- the spit bucket. Oma coughs, and the spucken needs to come out...so she spits into a bucket sitting next to her in her little room, so she doesn't have to run to the washroom to spit in the toilette.

I'm talking to her, and she's hacking and all phlegmy, and then she leans over and spits into the bucket. I have to leave the room, but I'm about to spucken all over the place. It's nasty.

When I've talked to her all the phone this past week, she hacks, she phlegms, and then there's the soft sound of liquid hitting liquid as she spits into the bucket. I dry heave.

Blah!!!

I have a massive aversion to the whole spitting thing. I can't take it. I hate listening to the sounds of guys hocking loogeys. I hate seeing people spit on the side walk, out of there car, etc. I'm rather anti-smoking, find it nasty (which is interesting seeing I'm from a family that is predominantly smokers)- but the whole chewing tobacco thing completely and utterly throws me over the edge...I'll take a chain smoker with a carton a day habit over someone who chews.

I hate spitting.

So, this little spittoon bucket is making things difficult right now for me to hang and chill with the Oma- I'm on constant vomit standby...hell even being in the opposite room as her, when I hear it, my Pei Wei's about to make a second visit.

BLAH!!!!

Rock out with your swallowing cock out


**I spoke to soon on the Oma and not saying anything funny... Sunday morning when I was leaving her house- the neighbor kitty corner from her was out in her driveway. Oma oh so quietly says "Oh look the withcy bitch is out." I whip around and remind her that she's not as quiet as she thinks, she deaf and talks loud, and that people can hear her... she didn't care, or didn't get it, because she just shrugged it off. **

Flashback...brought to me by WalMart

Hitler and I went to the Wally- I wanted to look at an MP3 player, she wanted to look at a tricycle for the Boo. Wally has a "Twilight" section at the store- a futon set up with the movie playing and some merchandise to purchase. We walked past it and it was at the end of the movie, the hospital scene (with some bad acting from Kristen Stewart (I hate the way she mumbles/stumbles) and that close up on Renee when she comes too- OY!). We stop, we watch, I try to not repeat lines (or horrible unconscious habit I have with movies that I like). We get ready to walk away and a group of 10 teenagers come up to us and say they are doing a photo scavenger hunt and need to take a picture with some of their friends and two strangers doing the YMCA. Hitler looks at me, unsure. I grab the stuff out of her hands and say we'll do it. So in the middle of Wally, Hitler, me and four kids are singing and doing hand motions to the YMCA chorus while two or three cameras flash away. Ten painless seconds, I'm sure that will be posted on some little teeny blog about 2 idiots doing the YMCA .

After they flee, I told Hitler that that was way less painful that getting serenaded for a video scavenger hunt. She looks perplexed....

One night, over summer break, shortly before our Senior year of high school is about it start, Weeny and I go to see Jack. After Jack, we decide to go to Colonial Ice Cream. Colonial was always a crap shoot for us- something odd always transpired (example: someone wanted to order food, the waiter said the kitchen is closed, ice cream only, and then a group that was seated after us, being served by the same guy gets a burger...WTF???). This visit was no different. Weeny and I are sitting there chatting away and a group of 4 kids w/ a video camera walk around the restaurant, and we are chalking it up to another special trip to Colonial. Then I get tapped on the shoulder... This guy says "We are doing a video scavenger hunt, and we have to sing 'You've Lost That Loving Feeling', like in Top Gun, to a stranger, would you mind helping us?" I look at Weeny, she shakes her head, and I tell them no we don't mind... and he says they'll be back, they have to get backup singers, and just to act natural. A few minutes later, I'm tapped on the shoulder again and the guy starts to belt out in a low voice "You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips...And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips...You're trying hard not to show it...But baby, baby I know it...You've lost that lovin' feeling...Whoa, that lovin' feeling...You've lost that lovin' feeling...Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh" UM... HO-LY SHIT!!!!! I'm turning the reddest of reds, and he continues into the second verse- scoots into the booth with me, holds my hand, and just keeps singing. He sang the entire song, loudly, to me, and the entire restaurant is staring. I'm dying. He finishes the song, the restaurant is clapping, he kisses my cheek, says thanks and the group leaves.

Again.... HO-LY SHIT.

Weeny is just laughing. The waitress comes with the ice cream concoctions. We eat, we laugh, I'm still red. Only at Colonial.

I'm a sucker for helping people for scavenger hunts when cameras are involved.

And speaking of Twilight... I watched the movie 3 times in 24 hours when I first got it, and I haven't watched it since. Aren't you proud of the self control?? I did, however, pick the books back up. I don't think I'll ever tire of it. I'm obsessed in the most unhealthy way.

Be jealous bitches!!!!

So I was all excited to get this little GQ magazine I stumbled across yesterday on the Internet. My lovely PPE sent me a picture at work proving it was out and in his possession. I promptly left work and went to Borders across the street to get it. The pictures are SMOKING hot. I was beyond elated and swooning at noon today.

Hello GQ, Hello Robert...I love you......
Then I got home from work at 430pm- still on my GQ high. I have a package....what could it be??? THE FUCKING DVD I PREORDERED IN JANUARY!!!!! HOLY FUCKING HELL-I'M IN HEAVEN......

I took a picture of it and texted all my Twilight fans.... I HAVE THE DVD BEFORE MIDNIGHT TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!

Just thought I'd share. I'm going to watch the movie now....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

"She took me to Ethiopian...."

...who knew they had food??" Said Billy "Harry" Crystal in When Harry Met Sally.

Have you had the Ethiopian??? Seriously it's so, so, so yum. Last night Meanie (aka the coworker who has yet to be nicknamed) was introduced to the wonderful Ethiopian cuisine. AND SHE LIKED IT!!! Not that I was doubting that she wouldn't.

I love my Ethiopian restaurant, Cafe Lalibela. I've been to a couple others, but nothing compares to this place. Maybe because it was the first place I went to, the place I fell in love with the food. My first time there, I kept telling the waitress over and over how good the food was and how amazing it was.

So Meanie and I opt for the largest combination platter they have so she can try everything, and there's nothing that I don't like there. It's a lot of food, see.....

We ate and ate and ate, until we couldn't eat no more.

Then we met up with Meanie's cousin at a little bar- had a beer. To which I thought I was going to explode. The bubbles from the beer on top of all the food and injera (a sour dough crepe used to pick up the food instead of normal utensils)...OY!!!

Oh- and while we were dining there was a group of 5 or 6 next to us...They looked like they were the ASU prof/TA types. There was a German/Austrian guy sitting in the group. All I could think of was Hans and Franz and "I VANT TO PUMP **CLAP** YOU UP!!!!"

Rocking out with the Ethiopian cock out!!!

Bad moon rising

The full moon last week was amazing. Both Tuesday and Wednesday nights, as the moon rose, it was so big, large, orange... It looked like it was just a hop, skip and a jump away. As it got higher in the evening, it became more silver.

Wednesday morning when I was driving to work and the moon was setting, it looked like transparent orange parchment paper hanging by the mountains. It was truly amazing. I wanted to take a picture- but speeding down the expressway, fishing the camera out of the purse, and trying to snap a picture is not the smartest thing to do, so I let it be.

Wednesday night when the moon was high and clear I tried to take a picture of it from my balcony. It was just so clear and bright and amazing. Every picture I took, no matter how still I was, turned out all blurry and the moon was just a big squiggle of light. Then the last picture I took turned out like this....

I mean, seriously. How can one make this up...at least one with no know-how in photo editing (I took photography in college- but that was good old fashioned B&W stuff in a darkroom, developing film and pics...not this new age fancy digital stuff).

The moon's rocking out with it's cock out!! For some reason I was expecting something larger.

Beware the Ides of March

Especially if you are Ms M. Today is Ms M’s big 3-0 birthday.

Happy Birthday to my dear, sweet, hysterical, supportive, funny, tremendous, crazy, at times bitchy/mean (but I like it), blunt, honest, amazing, wonderful, clumsy, no rhythm having, partner in crime best friend. I am truly grateful for having you in my life and even more grateful that you get to test drive 30 six months before me. HA!

Luckily she doesn’t have to worry about Brutus finding her and killing her in the square.

Wise words from the Bobo

"I used to smoke a lot of pot. Now, I do triathlons."

Fraternal Twins.

So I just did a stretch at work- and I heard a snap.

The snap of underwire breaking in two.

The twins are no longer identical. It’s like one is happy and perky, the other is just spreading out. It could be just my imagination, but when I look down they don’t match. I have fraternal twins.

One small perk- the underwire is still self contained and I'm not feeling like I'm having a bra induced mastectomy.

God help me.

Yesterday was a blissfully silent day at work. There was no Tourettes. Even the sup was commenting on how quiet it was.

Tourettes is back today, and with a vengeance. I’m about ready to take an ice pick and puncture my ears, just so I never have to hear anything ever again.

Seriously.

Imagine a very loud “AAH-CHOO” followed by a reverberating foot stomp and an even louder “OY!”…then the nose is snorted- with every sneeze. She has a horrendous smokers hack. And she belches all. day. long. These are the uncontrollable outbursts. Then toss in the verbal outbursts…. We sing/hum nonsensical tunes, make odd sounds, talks to herself, and SLURP FUCKING COFFEE ALL DAY LONG (when she’s not belching). There is hardly a moment of peace with her.

I’m about at my wits end. All I can thing of is “five more months, just five more months” and I’m Tourettes free. At that point it will be almost 3 years of dealing with sitting next to her. She’s a very nice person and means well, but the outbursts are really grating on the nerves.

OMG- I don’t believe it- she’s been quiet for the past 10 minutes. Either she’s smoking, playing solitaire or died…. I don’t want to talk too much about it, or else she’ll flare up again.

Rock out quietly with your cock out....

Purim Potluck Costume Party

Last night I was invited by my Gay BFF (picture a cross between Linda Richman and Nathan Lane, ala Birdcage and you have the GBFF) to attend his Gay Jew Purim Potluck Costume Party. I'm not one for costumes, but I found my poodle skirt that I wore 2 years ago for a Halloween party- and you can't see my beautiful baby blow eye shadow or pretty frosting pink lips- but I was very pretty. And my skirt, in lieu of a poodle, and a lovely glittered "L". The GBFF and his partner were in drag....

The partner, GBFF, and me

Their drag selves were Mitzi and Loveata.

Not that many people dressed up, and the party was okay. The GBFF was in his usual rare form, and made me laugh as always... I went back to their house at 10, stayed until almost 2. The GBFF had a smidge too much to drink and expired early...the after party was by far more fun then the main party.

I did make these little treats for the potluck, but I tweaked them. Used lemon cake mix, added, zest and juice of 1 lemon, and a box of lemon pudding (I was taught a trick to add a box of complimentary pudding to all cake mixes- gives better moisture and texture- I have yet to be disappointed). When I went to sample a cookie, they were all gone. Which is a good thing...I should have stolen one before I got to the party.

Mr Boo and the Syringe Case

Last night the fam (minus Ava, who was working late) went out to dinner. We decided to be posh and go to IHOP.

When Hitler showed up with Mr Boo- he was playing with this new toy......

According to Hitler- its a 60cc syringe case. I saw something completely different- as did everyone else.

Here's another picture so you can see the size of it...
Hitler just had it laying on the table while we were eating and Bobo asked for it to be moved, because it was making him uncomfortable... He couldn't take looking at it, and he was having a harder time watching Boo waving it around.

When Boo was done eating he want the new toy back, much to Bobo's dismay. Then Mr Boo did something that I thought was going to kill Bobo... Given that Boo is 18 months old, and still a baby, we like to put things in our mouths. Mr. Boo did just that with the syringe case....and was gagging as he did so.

The visual is slightly obscene- but sooooo funny. And then poor Bobo was cringing.

And if anyone is concerned- Hitler did not give him a dirty syringe case, she swiped it from the hospital she works at.

Bobo and the Pap Smear

Bobo’s a special boy, who says/thinks special things. Bobo and the Pap Smear is one of those such moments.

Early in Bobo and SIL’s dating life, they were at a second hand book store perusing through the books. SIL had a nagging cough (she had one after starting to work part-time at a daycare while still in school, and she never lost it, until she quit the job) and made a comment about thinking she might have cancer or something. Bobo, from another aisle, chimes in, rather loudly, “can’t you just get a pap smear to see if you have cancer?”

SIL was very embarrassed and there were many eyes on her from other customers. She then goes over to Bobo and explains to him what a Pap Smear is for and how it can’t be used for general cancer detection. Poor stupid Bobo didn’t know.

When SIL told the fam the Pap Smear story- we all laughed and then proceeded to tease Bobo relentlessly. He kept saying that he didn’t know what cancer the Pap detected, just that it was done for cancer.

Incase everyone is curious- Bobo is a teaching our youth. Please be very afraid for our future.

It's my (pink slip) party and I'll cry if I want to

Guess who's getting shit canned!!!

I'll find out at 2 after my personal HR appointment how much longer I'll have.

You so want to have your cock so fucking rocked out right now, and you know it!


**It looks like I will be given a six week paid vacation starting Aug 21st. On top of that a 'retention bonus'. It's a fair amount of money to make sure people don't leave early. They kinda have me by the balls. I don't want to stall too long- but I want the fucking money.

Random Fronts

The Job Front-

Tomorrows the big day. I will know if I have a job and for how long. Rock out with your cock out. We have a 2 hour town hall then the ‘effected’ individuals will have private meetings to discuss severance packages and length of employment. It’s almost like Willy Wonka- except, instead of getting a golden ticket and a life time supply of chocolate, your prize is a pink slip and unemployment.

I was haven’t a little chat with my yet to be nicknamed co-worker friend about the big layoff and my warped view on it. Part of me is thinking “OH- VACATION!!!!” But I know that A) I don't want to be out of a job that long B) I probably shouldn't be spending my money like that and C) lay off does not equal extra vacation time.

Another fun thing at work, and literally this is fun… We have KIA (Know It All) who, in my 2 years of employment, has always worn black- all black, all the time. Around Christmas or New Year she got 2 new shirts that she’s been mixing in the rotation. A bold red shirt with black flowers and a white shirt with red, gray, and black flowers. Since this was out of the norm for her usual costuming, they stuck out like a sore thumb. Skank, yet to be nicknamed, and I have noticed that she wears the shirts with great frequency and decided to start a tally system to see how much she actually wears the shirts that started last week. Monday and Thursday were red shirt days and Tuesday and Friday were white shirt days. This week yesterday red shirt, today white shirt. Now I know I have a limited wardrobe for work, but I don’t repeat anything in the same week, and I try to make a conscious effort to not repeat “bold patterns” within a two-week period.

The Mom Front-

So Mom’s cancer came back after 18 months of the first go around and being in the clear. It sucks- however it is treatable. She’s going to be doing chemo for 6 months to shrink the tumor and remove it. We were talking the other day and she said “the good thing about chemo and hair loss is that I won’t have to shave my legs!” My response “Ma, you only shave your legs once a month now, so you aren’t really saving any time or losing an inconvenience with the no shaving thing.”

Mom also shared with me another problem she’s having. Women who wear skirts/dresses and no nylons. She said “call me old fashioned, but I think if you are going to wear something that is going to show your legs you need to wear pantyhose. It looks very unfinished if you have bare legs. I can’t watch these news women parading around on television with no pantyhose. They just have to wear them for an hour on TV and then take them off when you are done.” I tried to explain to her that nylons aren’t required/mandatory to finish off an outfit now. Maybe back in the day- but current times, no. Mom’s solution- wear pants if you don’t want to wear nylons. Mom’s only 52 and I felt like I was having a conversation with Oma. It was scary.

The Dream Front-

Had a crazy dream the other night that PPE and TWAH came out to visit me. But they came in November- more specifically the week of the New Moon release. So I was going to subject them to a Twilight pre-party and then the midnight showing of New Moon in theater packed with screaming, giddy, crazy obsessed teen girls. I woke up before the movie started. I thought it was funny.

The Music Front-

Amazon has been my best friend lately, and I’ve been a shopping fool. Got some new CDs… Ray La Montagne Gossip and the Grain… O-M-G!!! I la-la-love this CD. First off the song “You are the Best Thing” with its big brass sound, I can’t get enough of. In the car, I have to play it at deafening volume, sing at the top of my lungs, and boogie down. If I were to get married (which I have no intentions of) this will be the first dance. Hands down. The album goes from fast paced to slow and melodic. Some songs are dreamy and lucid; other’s have pep and make you want to do a little groove. Right now I can’t get enough of it.

The Jaeger Front-

Fat boy’s allergies are starting to kick in. I’m drugging him on his allergy meds, but his very itchy, especially at night. My bed is shaking so much I feel like I’m sleeping in a sleazy motel with a one of the vibrating beds.

The Final Frontier-

Orange blossoms are starting to hit the air. I love the smell. Summertime in IL, the air was always filled with the scent of lilacs- which is by far one of my most favorite smells ever. Now I can only get it in a candle. However at the start of spring in the desert, the orange trees start to blossom. The smell is divine. There are trees all over my complex and I drive pass an orange grove on my way to work. The scent it more pungent in the mornings then later in the day. It’s like the lilacs of the desert.

Those are all my fronts. Peace out.

I DECLARE that's one big eclair!!!

That's what she said. (ba-da-bump!)

I was scanning through some pics for a future post and came across my giant eclair pictures. And who doesn't love a story about a giant eclair??

When I was home for Weeny's wedding extravaganza, she graciously allowed me one night to have dinner with friends that weren't her (I'm a hot commodity, and Weeny's jealous and doesn't like to share). We met at Claim Jumpers. When the dessert concept was being tossed around, despite the massive amount of food that was just consumed, Tuschka made a "safe" choice...an eclair. However failing to realize the establishment we were frequenting, nothing is safe- all is extreme. Out came a football size eclair. It was so big it was obscene.

See...... (and I apologize for the darkness of the pic)

Weeny and I, later in the week, did a little Lake Michigan lunch cruise at Navy Pier. One of the desserts- an eclair. Naturally I took a picture for comparison.

See......

The difference between the two is like comparing a cocktail weeny and frankfurter. (I was going to say something along the lines of elephantiatus, however I didn't want to compare a penis to an enlarged nut sack, and the link I was going to use showed that elephantiatus effect more than just nuts. Who knew?)

Rock out with your cream filled cock out...mmmmmmm