Holiday Oma might have been on a hiatus last weekend, but she was in full force this weekend. I seriously can’t deal with it any more. And then there was a little ‘verbal altercation’, an almost accident, and the ‘great sauerkraut road trip 2009, weekend #2’.
First, let me say that when I got to Oma’s, the TV was at 63. SIXTY-FUCKING-THREE!!!! HEARING AID!!!!!! PLEASE GOD!!! All I want for Christmas is for Oma to get a hearing aid.
Where should I start first…altercation, accident, or sauerkraut??? I’m thinking sauerkraut. It’s a mood setter.
Every Christmas, minus maybe like 5, Oma makes sarma, or cabbage rolls for the laymen. The few times she hasn’t she made another sauerkraut dish, Szegediner Gulasch. It’s essentially the sarma but instead of having cabbage leaves rolled, you get the shaved sauerkraut, the meat cooked with the kraut, blah, blah, blah. This year Oma is not making the sarma but the Szegediner Gulasch. Both dishes make me want to vomit. Since we are making the Szegediner, we needed special sauerkraut…the holy grail of sauerkraut. Two weekends ago I took Oma to three stores on the hunt for the holy grail sauerkraut, but she didn’t like the price, the brands, or the look of the kraut. Last weekend we went to two stores by me. Finally, this weekend we went to not one, not two, not even three…but FOUR stores. The final store where the purchase was made…the first store we went to two weeks ago. I was feeling slightly enraged. The holy grail store for all your sauerkraut needs, approved by Oma: Cost Plus World Market. Now I can’t remember the brand, it’s German, and it’s not Gundelsheim… At stores 1-3, Oma kept asking me if the cabbage looked nice, will it taste good, blah, blah, blah. I tell her a million times over “I DON’T LIKE SAUERKRAUT!!!” Seriously it’s like a mixture of ass and vomit….if your ass could vomit, not poop, but actual vomit, that’s what sauerkraut smells and tastes like to me. Oh…and when we got home, what did Oma find deep in some cabinet crevasse?? FUCKING SAUERKRAUT!!!!
I almost killed myself right then and there.
So the Holy Grail store that carried the holy grail of sauerkraut is at a large outdoor shopping area, that at Christmas time is near to impossible to find parking. It’s a zoo…a mad house…a suicide mission. Especially the closer you get to Christmas. I told Oma that I will not be coming back to this location until mid-January, so get what you want now, because I’m not coming back. As we were leaving the parking lot from hell, is when my almost accident occurred. So I’m driving east on the main drag out. There is a car facing East, pulled up to the store-front curb on the westbound traffic side. This old kook decides she’s tired of waiting in front of the store or something and swings out in front of me. Almost clipping the front end of my car. I slam my breaks, honked my horn like 5 times, possibly dropped an f-bomb or 2, Oma was yelling in German (so she didn’t hear the bombs, thank God), and the goddamn fucking old lady FLIPPED ME OFF!!!!!!!!! ME!!!! She was the one that almost caused the accident, and she gave me the finger! Oma said I should “bump her one in the rear good and hard”….the places I could have gone with that, if I wasn’t already seeing red. Also in the back seat after the break slamming, the holy grail of all sauerkraut jostled around and came out of the bag. Oma was all “my kraut, my kraut! I hope the jars aren’t broken! My kraut, my kraut!!” I told her that since I couldn’t smell the vomitous –assy fumes, her kraut was just fine.
Which now leads to my little verbal altercation….Usually every Saturday involves a trip to the library with Oma. This Saturday was no exception. We stopped there prior to the final holy grail sauerkraut store. She picked her slew of books, and I check them out for her, since the library is all self check out now. All the little kiosks were in use, and I was standing off to the side waiting for one to open, and there’s a couple people behind me waiting too. This lady, from a different part of the library, goes up to one kiosk that’s out of service, as she’s walking back to her mother (who looks like she’s about Oma’s age) says something about it being out of service. As she in on her way, a person leaves one of the kiosks and I go up and start checking out. The lady made some snide comment about people not waiting their turn. Obviously directed towards me. I keep my mouth shut, but she keeps yammering on. Then the kiosk next to me open and the following proceeds:
Lady: Well, it’s my turn now to check out, unless someone else wants to cut in front of me and not wait their turn….
Me: Excuse me, ma’am, as much as I try to ignore passive aggressive snide comments, I think you should know there was a line forming over to the right…see those people there…we were there before you walked up. So you would be the one cutting in front of everyone.
Lady: Oh sure, whatever.
Me: Maybe you should check out a book about direct and effective communication. Happy holidays.
And I left. Granted my "happy holidays" was relaying a different tone, I was pissed. Seriously…like I live to cut in line at the fucking library. And what is this????? Fucking grade school?? Seriously. Fucking bitch.
I have a small history of public verbal altercations with strangers, but that’s a different story for a different time. I’m feeling myself boil up a bit. I need to do some inner peace/happy place/vodka finding.
Rock out, with some kraut and effective communication.
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