Sitting at work, enjoying a silent day. I have a very noisy neighbor who happens to be out of the office today. It’s lovely. When I’m able- which is most days- I turn on the MP3 player- to block out the random sounds coming from the neighboring co-work, but today, since it’s nice and quiet, I can have it on to actually listen to and not use it for sound barrier purposes.
Maybe it’s just my mood, or the fact that I’m actually listening to the songs, or the random shuffle- but the music is KILLING me today. It’s one sad sappy love song after another… Queen, Somebody to Love; Michael Buble, Home; Beatles, Something; Bread, If; Louie Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald, Dream a Little Dream of Me; BNL, Break Your Heart; Ben’s Brother, Bad Dream… Just to name a few- my random shuffle isn’t going for my fast passed high energy songs. It’s making for a rough day.
It doesn’t help that I had the most bizarre dream last night involving the Queen’s Somebody to Love…. In the dream I was home, crocheting (working on the baby blanket I had intended to finish back in September), have some music on, just enjoying the silence. Then the Queen song come on- Freddy sounding so sad and pleading, and I get this sinking feeling in my stomach….and I realize that I’m going to be alone indefinitely. No one will love me- like the Hollywood type love- all consuming, sweep me off my feet. I’m not going to be fawning over any one or totally smitten. I’m gong to be decrepitly old- and totally alone. I had a massive moment of despair. Then there was some slight self resentment- because I realized that I had no one to blame but myself. I forced myself to wake up before I tried to commit suicide in my dream.
This dream really shook me. I’ve always said “I’m perfectly content with my life, and I like being alone.” Which is very true- I have no added stressors, I can do what I want, I feel like I have a good balance on things. I have a low tolerance for bullshit- and threaten physical harm often to those that really aggravate me. And really- I’m happy with my life and how it’s progressing. I’ve never been the type to need anyone- never pined over not having a boyfriend at any one time- and always been (what I think) extremely independent and self reliant. So the dream has me questioning if my little “independent, self reliant, no boyfriend needing” mantra is really covering up something, that deep down in places you don’t like to talk about at parties (name that movie) that I don’t want to admit to myself. Normally I don’t hold much weight or merit in the bothersome dreams, but this one’s going to be with me for a while.
Thank God- something peppy’s playing… Thank You Mickey Avalon for your Jane Fonda.
1 comment:
That's an easy one! It's "A Few Good Men"! Ya gotta love Jack Nicholson! "Deep down in places you don't like to talk about at parties...you want me on that wall! You NEED me on that wall!". My personal favorite (although I use it much less frequently that the above) is, "I'm gonnna rip the eyeballs out of your head and piss in your dead skull! You fucked with the wrong Marine"! Classic!
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